… I think all my internal work I’ve done has shown that it isn’t love. Love from the outside world isn’t love. It’s more like you’re addicted to that validation, that attention. It’s not real. There’s no intimacy. There’s no exchange of intimacy. Real love is a discussion of intimacy. Love from fans is adoration. You must remember it’s part of the job. It doesn’t mean anything. At the end of the day, are those people going to be at my side when I’m 80 years old? Probably not. These thoughts help me see that it means nothing.
It took over 12 years of recovery to understand that. I had to look at what I was looking for on the outside and say, what am I not getting internally that I’m trying to get from other people? My career, money, attention, all of that… I realized that it was empty.
Ihad the distinct pleasure of talking to Brianne Davis. From bringing compelling characters to life on screen as an actor, calling the shots behind the scenes as a director and producer, lending her thoughts and opinions to the podcast airwaves, and even penning her debut literary work, Brianne Davis has emerged in the entertainment industry as a powerhouse female creative in 2022.
In film and television, Brianne most recently starred on the History Channel’s “Six.” Additional TV credits include Netflix’s “Lucifer,” Hulu’s “Casual,” and HBO’s “True Blood.” Brianne’s first lead role in film came in 2005 with the blockbuster hit “Jarhead” starring opposite Jake Gyllenhaal. She also starred in the horror film “Prom Night.”
Thriving behind the camera, as much as in front, under her production company, Give & Take Productions, Brianne has produced three films while also directing “The Night Visitor 2: Heather’s Story” and “Deadly Signal.”
With over 12 1/2 years of recovery as a Sex and Love Addict, Brianne hosts the popular personal journal podcast “Secret Life.” The podcast launched in August 2020 and features inspiring true confessions from an eclectic group of guests, unpacking a plethora of taboo topics. Brianne’s latest venture in the “Secret Life” brand is her debut novel, “Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex & Love Addict,” which instantly hit the best-sellers list on Amazon earlier this year.
She is a renowned sober coach in addiction recovery. She has spoken on over 250 podcasts and television shows, including The Doctors, The Daily Blast, and many more as an advocate for creating awareness of the deadly disease of sex and love addiction. She has also penned several articles on the subject for Cosmopolitan UK, Daily Beast, HuffPost, and The Drill. She is currently in rewrites for the follow-up novel of the Secret Life series and developing it as a TV series.
Brianne currently resides in the Los Angeles area with her husband Mark Gantt and son, Davis.
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Brianne, thank you for joining us. Our readers would love to learn about your background. Can you share your origin story, the story of how you grew up?
Yeah. I grew up in Atlanta, Georgia. I came from New Yorkers who moved to the South. We didn’t completely fit in with these Southern ideals, so I always felt a little like on the outside. I come from a broken home. I found myself going into fantasy a lot and acting out in characters, but I was timid and very scared to communicate with people. I had ADHD, a learning disability, and dyslexia.
But what helped me was in high school when I started modeling, and I started taking acting classes. It just got me out of myself and allowed me to be somebody else so that I would turn into the character. That helped me through high school and getting through my parents’ divorce. I was a kid that was very private and shy but being in the entertainment business really helped me have a strong backbone. I didn’t look for outside things to help myself. I did it internally through my art.
Can you share a story of how you started as an actress? How you got your first call, your first audition, your first big break?
Yeah. I was modeling locally, doing the runway shows and JC Penny commercials. My agency in Atlanta was like, oh, there is a part on Remember the Titans. It’s a plain cheerleader number two. She didn’t even have a name. I was like, “oh, I should go try out for it.” So I went. My first audition was for the movie Remember the Titans with Denzel Washington. It was two lines, and I got the part. So I went at night after school, and I got the position. We shot from four in the afternoon till four in the morning because there were a lot of night shoots, and we had to be there cheerleading on the side because I was on the rival cheerleading squad. I loved it. I did it for three weeks, and I loved it, and I was, oh my God, this movie business is like a community. I felt like a part of a family. We were all creating something, and I just loved the hair and makeup, being a different person, and all that stuff.
So that was my first big job, but it turns out that I got cut out of the movie. So I got to Hollywood. I got the part. But then I got cut out of it. So I got to enjoy the thrill of getting accepted and the pain of rejection and felt both sides of Hollywood. I think that prepared me to come to Los Angeles after graduating high school.
The second show I got was on Dawson’s Creek, playing a hot girl, the assistant, Ashley. It was so long ago. I got to go to Wilmington and shoot and meet James VanDer Beek, and I loved it. I wanted to be an actress immediately after having those experiences. I saved up some money after high school. I don’t come from a wealthy family. I worked at a tanning salon and a shoe store, saved up my money, and then drove cross country. That was my start.
You have been blessed with great success in a career path that can be challenging. Do you have any words of advice for others who may want to embark on this career path but are intimidated by the prospect of constant rejection?
Rejection is the worst part. To this day, I’m a working actor. I have to go from job to job, and I audition all the time, and it’s constant rejection. So you have to have an outside life, outside of this business.
For the longest time, I made my career as an actress, and that was my sole focus. The problem is, if you do that, then the rest of your life is empty. So you have to have balance to make it in this business. If not, you’ll be depleted because you will be up one day and have a job and be on set and working, and then a month later, you won’t have a job. So if you have to have a life outside this business. It can’t be everything,
I think it’s very deadly when you attach too much meaning to this career. You are constantly on the job; even when you have a job, that job ends, and you don’t know if the show’s going to get picked up or if the movie’s going to do well. So as soon as you’re done, unless you’re an A-list actor, you don’t know where your next job is. The majority of the people I know survive by being working actors. A majority are working actors. Only a tiny percentage goes from job to job to employment.
Can you share with us some of the most exciting or some of the most interesting stories that have happened to you since you began your career?
Oh my God. I’ve had so many experiences. It’s been 20 years, so it’s hard for me to pinpoint one.
There are so many stories. Every job has a different experience. Every job I go on, I just really try to immerse myself. When you are working with people, you don’t know who you’re going to get. If you think they’re the most wonderful person in the world, they’re usually the meanest person, and the person you think will be horrific to work with is usually the nicest. I’ve had people get angry coming in while you’re getting your nails done in the makeup room, screaming that it smells like makeup, nail polish, or a nail remover or something like that. It was insane.
I’ve had beautiful moments like a hilarious love scene with Jake Gyllenhaal in Jarhead where Sam Mendez is trying to show us how to make love like teenagers, which was hilarious. That day on Jarhead was called naked day. Everybody in Jarhead in the movie got naked on the same day. So that was interesting. All the guys, everybody got naked. It was on camera. So that was funny.
I remember I was shooting this horror movie in Kansas. Usually, the location manager clears out like where you’re running in the dark. It was a horror movie where I was running in the dark and tripping and falling, that whole girl scene. So I was doing that and running. But then I fell into poison oak and got it all over my body. I had to shoot the rest of the movie with poison oak. I was thinking, is this really happening to me?
I was doing a movie recently, down in St. Thomas, the beautiful island. We were on a boat. I’m supposed to get in the water. But I had a panic attack because I had to get in the water and swim and then get out of the boat. I keep thinking, oh my God, a shark’s going to eat me. I had no idea. I took a job where I had a panic attack on a boat in the water it was in… I’ve had a lot of hilarious moments like that.
Recently I stopped doing love scenes because I don’t enjoy them anymore. The last one I did was on a movie, and I almost walked off the film because I didn’t want to do it. So I’ve had tons of different experiences.
I appreciate you sharing that. It’s been said that our mistakes can be our greatest teachers. Do you have a story about a mistake you made when you first started and the lesson you learned from it?
Always saying yes to everything is always a mistake. Especially as a young actress, you feel you don’t know when your next job is. As I said, I didn’t come from money. So every job was essential, and sometimes you say yes to things, and you don’t want to do them. < Laugh>
I once took a job on this television show, and I said I knew how to roller skate. Usually, you have stunt people do the stunts. So I got the part, and I was so excited. I had to go practice at the roller ring, and I felt ready and prepared, but when I got on set, they wanted to see me and the other lead actor race, like an actual race. We’re fighting each other in a Roller Derby. And I kid you not, when I was doing it, my head kept repeating, “what did I do? I’m going to die. I’m going to die”. I was going so fast. I could’ve hit my head. They made us do it, and I should’ve said, no, I’m not comfortable with this. I know it doesn’t sound dramatic, but it was scary. We were pushing each other while skating fast. I wish I would’ve said no, but I didn’t. Still, I’m here. I survived.
That’s a profound lesson that you should not take every job. Often, people say the opposite, that you should take it because “there’s no such thing as small parts.” But you’re saying you have to be more informed and selective.
Yeah. I think that’s an old belief too. I’ve heard people say that, too, and that’s the concept I grew up with. There are no small parts. But there are also ones you don’t want to do. Right? If you take a job you don’t want to do, you do not feel good doing it, and you’re usually on that job for a while. So it has the opposite effect. Your confidence goes down. It’s not worth the paycheck.
When I was talking about that one love scene, it was after I was in recovery for sex and love addiction. I was working on myself. I remember taking that job because it was a massive paycheck, and I was shooting across the country, and I needed to take it. I haven’t worked in a year. I was busy working on myself. But when I got on set, it felt admittedly that the money wasn’t worth it. The beautiful location wasn’t worth it. Working with great co-stars wasn’t worth it. None of it mattered more than my self-esteem and internal self. I believe that taking a job you don’t want works in the opposite direction.
So none of us can achieve success without some help along the way. Is there a particular person you’re grateful for who helped you get where you are? And if you could, if you could share a story about that?
Well, I think the number one person who has helped me along the way is my husband, Mark Gantt. I’ve been in the business for almost 25 years, and we’ve been together for 17 years. He’s helped ground me, especially when my ego is out of control. He lifts me up on those days when I feel low. Especially when I go in and audition for something four or five times, and I’m like the lead person for the part, and then I wind up not getting it. It’s devastating. It’s devastating to walk into a room and share your heart and soul. You know, you are the character. Even though I try to separate myself and the role, there is still a part of me that I’m bringing myself. He really has helped me right-size situations and helps me heal when I get rejected, and helps me keep taking steps forward.
We create together as well. We have our production company, Give & Take Productions. We have produced three movies together and I have directed two of them. Number one advice, be creative outside of acting, which has definitely helped my career’s longevity.
I wasn’t planning to ask this, but being married for almost two decades is a huge milestone, particularly in Hollywood. Do you have advice about having a successful long-term marriage in Hollywood?
In Hollywood, there’s so much temptation. We are not around each other all the time; we go on location. He just got done directing a big movie and was shooting for a while.
So the trick is staying connected. When you leave for a set and work, that’s a fantasy. It’s a job. That’s not your reality. You immerse yourself in it when you go on set. It’s like an immediate family. Everybody is all creating this one thing, and you get so enmeshed in that. But afterward, when the filming is done, you go back to your real life.
We try to communicate constantly. Discuss our feelings, and be around each other. We try not to go over two weeks apart. We keep reminding ourselves that the shoot is fantasy. It’s going to be over soon. The wrap date is coming. Lastly, we remind each other not to get sucked into the drama on set. Using questions like, is that going to matter when it wraps?You think, “No, it’s a job.” Do your job. You’re a worker among workers. You are no unique, no different, and then you’re off the job, and you’re back in our house. It’s a constant reality check, which I’m immensely grateful for.
Wow. That’s amazing. I recently saw the movie, Elvis. One of the lines that stuck with me was from Colonel Parker, Elvis’s manager. He said that Priscilla Presley could never compete with the love that Elvis felt from the whole world and his audience. That’s probably a struggle with every Hollywood actor. The love from your spouse versus the imaginary love you feel from your fans in the whole world. So how do you answer that? How does a spouse compete with that love?
I think all my internal work I’ve done has shown that it isn’t love. Love from the outside world isn’t love. It’s more like you’re addicted to that validation, that attention. It’s not real. There’s no intimacy. There’s no exchange of intimacy. Real love is a discussion of intimacy. Love from fans is adoration. You must remember it’s part of the job. It doesn’t mean anything. At the end of the day, are those people going to be at my side when I’m 80 years old? Probably not. These thoughts help me see that it means nothing.
It took over 12 years of recovery to understand that. I had to look at what I was looking for on the outside and say, what am I not getting internally that I’m trying to get from other people? My career, money, attention, all of that… I realized that it was empty.
Fascinating. Does love addiction really mean being addicted to the feeling of “falling in love?” I just had my 20th anniversary, and I’m addicted to my relationship with my wife, but that’s probably a healthy thing. So does love addiction mean being addicted to the newness of the feeling of falling in love?
Yeah, it’s a combination. It’s being addicted to that attention, validation, falling in love, the butterflies, the first touch, the first kiss, and all that fairy tales shit. The fantasy of what romance looks like, not what it actually is. Our society amplifies this, oh, this is what following love looks like. But it doesn’t mirror reality. How do you have intimacy after ten years? After 20 years? How do you have a passion for yourself and another person, but you two are not enmeshed or codependent? That you’re two separate humans walking this earth. You’re next to each other, helping each other to be better people. Love addiction is a fantasy romance, looking for your soulmates, someone to complete you, you can’t live without them, toxic relationships, going back to old exes, going from relationship to relationship to relationship. That’s what love addiction is.
That’s so, wow. I would imagine a lot of people probably have had that.
Yeah. I would say that 90% of our society are love addicts. It’s permeating our society right now.
I’ve heard the term sex addiction more frequently, but I think love addiction is a better description. I feel like that has to bubble up more to the popular consciousness.
Well, even sex addiction, I bet what you think of sex addiction is some guy cheating on his wife, going to rehab, then saying, he’s a sex addict. Right? That’s what you think? That’s what I thought.
What sex addiction is, is using your sexuality to manipulate and control other people. That could be one-night stands, having multiple partners, or cheating. It is someone using their sexuality to manipulate and get power and control over somebody else. If you think about it, how many people use their sexuality to get what they want? That can be a sex addict. It’s another form of sex addiction where it’s not about this intimate exchange. It’s a way to have power and control.
I was one of the first people to come out and talk about being a sex and love addict in recovery because it’s not discussed. I go to rehab facilities, I speak all over the world, I’ve written articles, I’ve written my book, and I’ve done 250 interviews. It’s essential to me to help educate people about sex and love addiction. Especially with the porn industry and social media on top of it. This younger generation is having trouble with their sexuality, intimacy, and connection. They don’t know what it feels like to have the first kiss because all the oversexualizations have desensitized them. So my goal is to do a Ted Talk about sex and love addiction. Wow, I have never said that aloud. I never knew I wanted to do a Ted Talk, but I feel there are so many people that have no idea what sex and love addiction is.
For example, sex and love addiction, people don’t think it is deadly, but it is. If you think about it, any murder-suicide, most of its love triangles. Most of it’s about relationships. Also, the majority of people that use other addictions like drugs and alcohol is because of toxic relationships. So often, I work with people who have gotten off heroin and alcohol, and underneath they are a sex and love addiction. They don’t know how to have healthy relationships; they never got those tools. So what I teach is the tools for picking better partnerships and maintaining healthy relationships.
Okay. So every industry iterates and seeks improvement, and there have been many improvements in the entertainment industry, but what changes would you like to see in the industry moving forward?
Okay. That’s a hard one. I mean, it’s an easy one, but a hard one. It’s where I have to tread lightly.
I love that recently they introduced intimacy coordinators. Some actors hate them. Still, it is so important, especially as a woman on set. Somebody recently said it takes away the spontaneity. But I feel that spontaneity on set is dangerous in love scenes. A love scene is a dance, and there have to be guidelines and rules. It’s unsafe not to have that structure. I’m so grateful they are doing that. I think it should be on every set, every movie, and every show. We can then tell more risky, complex women’s stories.
That’s why I wrote The Secret Life Of A Hollywood Sex And Love Addict the novel. I wrote it as a movie or a television show because I wanted to help a young 20-year-old trying to figure out her sexuality and her place in the world. I wrote the character Roxanne so that people can see young women also feel this way. That they use power and sex, but it’s complex and rooted in society and trauma. So my goal, really, is to see women as more complex characters. Let’s be honest, most of the time, the white man is still in charge and picking the stories, and they don’t want to see women like that. They want to have this image of what a woman thinks and behaves. I want to break that barrier, and that’s why I spoke out, and that’s why I wrote the book, and hopefully, it will become a TV show. We wrote a pilot for it. We’re hoping some fantastic young actress wants to come on and play Roxanne, push boundaries, make people uncomfortable, and question how we treat women in society.
Is there a producer or gatekeeper you would like to have a power lunch with that could open these doors to make it happen?
Oh my God. There are so many. Nicole Kidman, Charlize Theron, and Reese Witherspoon’s companies all concentrate on women’s stories, but Elizabeth Banks, you know, she’s a writer and a director. Yes. I would love to sit down with Elizabeth Banks and her company; they push the barriers. She works with her husband in the production company, just like my husband and I work together. She’s been a working actress for the longest time. It took her a long time to become an A-list celebrity. I adore her, and I would be so honored to sit down and pick her brain on her 30-plus years in Hollywood and how she transitioned to the next level. I would love Secret Life to be in her hands. Like here, take it and make it, you know?
Let’s talk about you. You have a lot of impressive work. Can you share with our readers some of the exciting projects you’re working on now and what’s coming next?
Well, as I said, I’m a working actor. I have literally been auditioning like crazy. I wake up at 4:00 AM and put self-tapes together before my son gets up.
I’m in rewrites for the second installment of, The Secret Life Of A Hollywood Sex And Love Addict. I have a popular personal stories podcast, Secret Life. I bring on guests that share their secrets. My husband and I wrote the pilot for Secret Life.
I’m a mom, I’m a wife, and I speak all over the world about sex and love addiction. I have almost 13 years of recovery. I have A-list clients that I help with their sex and love addiction. I have about a dozen or more clients I work with because they don’t feel comfortable walking into a 12-step room and getting that help. I walk them through their recovery and work with them on boundaries, dating plans, and so much more. I’m proud of my work helping others. So my whole life is based on being of service. Because if I’m in service and helping others, then I’m living in God’s will and not my addict’s will. If I do anything based on my ego, it’s not good for me. Everything I do, Writing an article, working with clients, recording a podcast, doing an interview, auditioning, is to be of service. Long answer short, I don’t really know what’s next. It’s not my plan. < Laugh>
So, I think I first became aware of your work from Jarhead. It’s probably among the most popular war movies over the past few decades. In your opinion, what do you think it was that captured people’s attention about Jarhead?
I think the rawness and the realness of how a soldier dealt with the war in the middle east. I have visited Afghanistan and Iraq, and I’ve done USO tours. I flew all over the middle east. It’s a brutal job to be taken out of your environment, put in this environment, carrying guns and weapons, and doing that kind of work. I don’t think people understand how bad PTSD is and coming home and being so disoriented. That movie showed how taxing it is to take on a soldier’s career to protect our country. I’m honored to be in that movie. I’m honored to be in another war series, Six, for two seasons on History channel. Playing Lena Graves on the show and getting to bring the wife of a seal team member to life was a significant role for me. I got to explore many things that military wives go through. I love that.
Amazing, amazing. So this is our signature that we ask to interview. So you’ve had a lot of experience. Looking back, do you have five things that you wish somebody advised you or somebody told you when you first started and why?
- When you say no, say it with a period. No period.
- Do not get your self-worth from your career or job.
- Keep yourself grounded. You’re a worker among workers. No better, no less than anybody else.
- Another great piece of advice is you don’t have to change yourself to be accepted.
- Be consistent with your continuity. This means if you touch your hair in the master shot at a line, you have to feel your hair at the same time when you say that line in the close-up because when you go to cut the movie, if you’re touching your hair and then not touching your hair, you can’t use those shots. When I was editing my last movie I directed, Psychophonia, it drove me nuts when an actor wasn’t consistent with their continuity. It drove me crazy.
Can you share with our readers some of the self-care routines, practices, or treatments you do to help your body, mind, or heart thrive?
Number one self-care act is, I get on a SLAA meeting every morning and every night which is my 12-step program for sex and love addiction. I speak to people throughout the day to help them. We call them outreach calls if people need support. I’m always taking outreach calls during the day to support other people.
I do a gratitude list every night, three things, and they have to be three different things every night. Right now, the book I have is day 700. This gives me a chance to find gratitude even on terrible days. It could be as simple as I’m grateful for this soft bed. I’m grateful I get to breathe air right now.
I get on my knees every morning and every night to pray and turn my life and my will over to a higher power that I don’t always understand.
I stay present. Because for so long, I was so detached, thinking or worrying and not present with people in my life. Worrying is a significant negative fantasy behavior that a lot of people do. So I try to stay present. So that’s self-care.
Oh, and I like to take a bath at night to wash off the day.
So you’re a person of enormous influence. If you could inspire movements that would bring the most good to the most people. What would that be? Because you never know what your idea can inspire.
I feel like I’ve already created that. We call it this Secret Life movement where you don’t have to carry secrets anymore because of the shame and stigma. The whole concept and brand that I’m trying to create is where we are all our authentic raw selves and that nobody is better than. And just because I’ve done bad things or bad things have happened to me, doesn’t make me a bad person. It doesn’t define me as a person. We have been giving other people a platform to reach out and say, Hey, this happened to me, or I did this, and this is how I got through it. I’m trying to let them know that we are not alone, that underneath it all, we all are the same underneath our secrets. Fear of abandonment, being loved and afraid of intimacy and not being good enough. Showing our darkness, we can all be in the light together.
What’s the best way for our readers to continue to follow your work online?
So the easiest way to get in touch with me is on Instagram @theBrianneDavis. I try to answer on DMs and send you information if you need about sex and love addiction or the book. You can also follow me on TikTok @the.BrianneDavis My websites are secretlifenovel.com or Briannedavis.com. All my articles, interviews, acting work and all the links are there. You can get the book now, Secret life of a Hollywood Sex and Love Addict, on Amazon or wherever you find books.
And Secret Life podcast, you can listen to podcasts anywhere there are podcasts. We’re on our 122nd episode, and I’m so proud of it. We’re always in the top 50 personal story podcasts, and it’s just one of the best things I’ve ever done. Please listen and join the Secret Life movement.
I’ve interviewed thousands of people, but I think this is probably among the most interesting and educational interviews I’ve ever done. So thank you.
Oh, goodness. That made my day. Thank you so much for saying that. That means a lot. Truly grateful.