Have you ever found yourself sitting in a dark hotel room with a coworker in a foreign city on a work trip about to blow up your life? It was someone I hardly knew and quite frankly never liked as a person. You know that type of person— the one who’s rude to waiting staff and thinks they’re all that.
That was me at one of my lowest points when I was thousands of miles away from my live-in boyfriend. I was then about to have another affair on a film set in the middle of nowhere.
I always fantasized about my life like a scene from a movie. One where the lead is in a different country, meets her knight in shining armour and falls deeply, madly in love and travels the world in luxury. And because that was my fantasy, that night on set I was about to go back to my old ways of cheating and lying. Something I had been doing for years. I looked at myself in that hotel mirror and saw the shell of the woman I had once again become.
I had always moulded myself into whatever and whoever my love interest desired me to be. I was always looking for someone to fix or complete me. As an actor, I wore many masks, playing cheaters and liars on TV and in films. But I probably wore more in my personal life.
I think I always craved attention. One of my first memories of it was always trying to keep my father’s attention 24/7. It eventually transferred to the boys in grammar school. I was always boy crazy and loved to flirt even at the age of 10. It really kicked it into high gear when I was 14 and cheated for the first time on a boyfriend. The kicker was; it was with his best friend on the baseball team. The friend cornered me in a closet and kissed me. As our lips touched, it was like fireworks exploding all over my body. It was the best high in the world. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Desperate not to lose that feeling, I would flirt, intrigue, and jump from relationship to relationship to catch that high. I loved falling in love. I searched for the perfect partner to have power and control over their emotions. Once I trapped them, I would start searching for my next victim, sometimes overlapping the relationships. It was never truly about the physical, sexual act, but more about the chase. Sex was just the weapon I used to conform to whatever they needed me to be to ultimately conquer them.
For years, I’ve been powerless over my addiction to people. I wanted to have power and control over almost everyone in my life because inside, I felt so powerless and out of control. I’m an addict, and my drug of choice is men. As an addict, I wanted to escape my everyday life and become someone else. Like a moth, I was drawn to the glitz and glamour of the Hollywood lifestyle. It was the perfect fantasy world for me and what I dreamed my life would be like. But the reality was that I was lost, always trying to fill that deep hole with more – more attention and more love.
Many behaviours that stemmed from my addiction kept me separate and feeling like I was unique and special. I was convinced I was never the bad guy. It was always the man’s fault. They could just never give me everything I needed. I would eventually get bored and start roaming for my next conquest. I would begin flirting more with my male friends. I made myself always seem available even when I was still officially taken. Instead of breaking up with a boyfriend, I’d keep them dangling to make sure I was never alone until I was happily in love with a new guy. I was trapped by my own lies until the truth was staring at me right in that mirror. Are you going to be on your deathbed, never genuinely connected to another soul? That was the question ringing in my head.
As I glared at my reflection eleven years ago in that hotel mirror, it officially was my Dark Night of The Soul. I had been acting out for the last 15 years. I was coming into my late 20s and I had hit an emotional bottom. I was tired. I was done. I picked up the phone in desperation and called my friend’s trusted therapist. She informed me on our first session that I was a sex and love addict. Huh? I’ve had only a handful of sexual partners. I’ve never even had a one-night stand. She set my delusional mind straight as soon as we filled out the 40 Questions for self-diagnosis of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA). Holy crap, I was officially screwed and not in the good sense.
I walked my self-seeking-ego-driven-addict into a Wednesday night SLAA meeting in Los Angeles over a decade ago. I was in so much pain and thought I was broken. But that night, I heard people share their stories, their hope, and I didn’t feel so alone or broken.
I worked the 12-step program with unwavering determination, which took me a gruelling nine years to complete all the steps. I stopped interacting with the opposite sex and dumped all my guy friends. My main rule was not to talk to, text, or email any man whatsoever. I cut off all inappropriate exchanges with men, including making eye contact with waiters. If it meant getting better, I had to be willing to give up my then-live-in boyfriend. I was fortunate, he was sober and in recovery, so he understood that I had to focus on myself. I had to let go of unhealthy friends and even members of my family. I found forgiveness for my past acting out and made amends to those I have wronged.
It was a hard road to travel, but it was the best decision I’ve ever made. I had to face who I had become and reconnect with the person I actually was. I now focus on self-love and serenity in my life. I meditate daily, pray for my God to handle all my affairs, and forgive myself and others. I can honestly say I’m not addicted to drama anymore, and my relationships have all improved. All my friends and family that weren’t healthy have either drifted away, or I had to cut off communication.
Here is the shocker—I am now happily married to that live-in boyfriend. We have now been together for over 16 years. It’s not like I went through the program of sex and love addict anonymous to find that soulmate to complete me. There is no perfect partner. I am my own soulmate. I complete myself.
I now try to be of service and work with several sponsees. I give back by speaking at SLAA meetings held worldwide. It reminds me that I can help another addict see that there’s a way out of their obsessive/compulsive mind. You just have to be willing to let go and walk through the fire and let it burn to become your true, authentic self. I have to love myself first to be able to love another. I didn’t know how to do that; I was never taught those skills. I was always in survival mode. I didn’t know how to set boundaries or how to forgive myself for the past. Who knew loving yourself could be so tricky?
I honestly never wanted to go public about my story, let alone write a book about it. Still, after a decade in recovery, my higher power had other plans. I’ve just released my novel, Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex & Love Addict, in hopes of shattering the stigma of being a sex and love addict, especially for a woman. People tend to think it’s either sexy or a made-up disease.
I realized that by going through my own growth and pain, I can help others still suffering. By telling the story of my brutal first year in recovery through my heroine, Roxanne, I hope to help enlighten others about this sex and love addiction in an entertaining way. In turn, I was able to release the shame of my painful past and celebrate the process that led me to discover the best gift of all—self-love.Brianne Davis’ novel Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex & Love Addict is available to buy now.